Life as a snuffaluffagus…raising HELL

March 8th, 2010 by annemarie

So here I am in the hospital in a decent room, with a city view and 3ft tube hanging out of my nose. It’s a yellow tube secured in place by 5 pieces of thick white tape draped across the bridge of my nose and extending from ear to ear. The tube it self was inserted 4 hours ago up my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. It was a gagging choaking tearful affair in which I tried my damndest to throw it up. Thus I have begun life as a snuffallufagus.

The thing that has shocked me most about day 1 of my 3 day odyessy in Che Hospitalle, is the complete disregard for informing me of what the fuck is supposed to be happening and when. I was told I needed said yellow tube so I can get the barrium down with out aspirating any into my lungs where it would be toxic….really? AND it’s not toxic in my stomach, huh? At any rate, it’s now 10:30pm 4 hours into being a snuffallufagus and my surgery is supposed to be sometime between 9am and 4pm tomorrow~ still no barrium. For which I wait patiently wondering how exactly I am supposed to sleep with 2 bottles of barrium dripping into my gut. I wonder if I’ll puke. I wonder if I’ll get ANY sleep with this thing dangling from my nose and making me wretch when ever it gets bumped or pulled.

I feel like I need to manage the nurses myself to make sure I get the stupid barrium so we can have the procedure already…as you’ll recall this is feeding tube installation part duex: the friday before last I came in, was prepped for surgery – put out cold and woke up to nothing having been accomplished. You’d think with 10% of the population having a tummy tucked up under their ribcage you’d check for that with an ultrasound or something before you pump someone up w drugs for no reason, but I digress. I also wonder why they wanted me to bring my bipap machine, when it would have been completely impossible to use it with my new snout. I know with out barrium I’ll not have the surgery, so I’ll call them now.

Well that was interesting, it seems now that the barrium isn’t so crucial, or at least the night nurse ~ with out informing me had decided to wait until tomorrow to give it to me. Given I was informed earlier that I had to have it in order to have the surgery, and therefore it was CRUCIAL to put in the nasotube at 6:30 pm… I am now pissed off. I had asked if it could be postponed so I could get a good night sleep. I have called for the/a doctor. The nurse was willing to administer the barrium after she read an email I had from another nurse about what I should expect. Who is managing my care? This is why people hate the medical system. It’s a bucket of uncertainty and that breeds fear! No one talks to each other~ least of all the patient. What the hell????

Let’s see how long it takes her to get a Doctor in here. 15 mins…30mins…45 mins…maybe they are hoping I’ll fall alseep?

Ah…now we have the head nurse, who again can not confirm or deny if/when I need the barrium, joy. I still don’t know when I’ll be having sugery tomorrow and cannot sleep with my new nose tube. I have stomach cramps from it, and gas for no dietary reason I can place. I am uncomfortable, and despite my best efforts uninformed which concerns me more.

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Musings on Mindfullness, ALS as a Meditation

February 28th, 2010 by annemarie

ALS as a meditation: for sure it forces me to eat consciously, walk consciously, and drink my tea, coffee and especially water consciously. All the activities that were automatic, and done with out thinking; now thrust me into the present moment due to their difficulty. I breathe with awareness as well as it takes something for me to breathe deeply and consistently.

Before ALS, I was a voracious intense consumer. Of everything. Water, wine, sex, work, conversations, words…if I wanted it I wanted alot of it. NOW. My appetites were varied and slow to be satisfied. I would often push the boundries of my experience to get “enough” to feel full. Currently, I have the experience of being satisfied with very little, limited in amounts and variation of all of the above, perhaps with the exception of work.

All that I knew myself to be, is leaving me. As my capacities contract, my IDENTITY morphs. In so far as my identity is related to my talents, proclivities, and preferences, who I have trained myself to be is being stripped away, layer by layer, skill by skill, silenced by the desintegration of muscle and nerve. I am the semollier who cannot taste without flinching as sour tastebuds have intensified. The dancer who has no balance, the power lifter who cannot rise from a squat. The creative cook who can no longer prep on her own, I can’t even cut my own meat on my plate anymore. Most importantly to me, I am the voice who can no longer sing, seduce, or command attention from the front of the room. I can’t tell a joke, or instigate laughter with my funny accents and quick wit- the wit is quicker than the tongue and much is lost in translation. Most often I don’t even try anymore.

So, many of the things that made me “me” are falling away…what I could count on myself for as my identity is shifting. I feel like an abstract of my former self, a minimalist rendering of the woman who went before. It occured to me that I’m half way there, half way to the distilled version of myself who’s sole capacity is to think. All the other functions of life will have to be done for me but I’ll still be here~ brain kicking in hyperdrive, romping through trains of thought without distraction. Thankfully, I have trained myself to think and inquire,so on one hand it sounds kind of peaceful, only being capable of awareness, mindfullness. A thinking woman’s life of comtemplation enshrined and encapsulated in a barely functioning body, an odd sort of luxury.

Of course there is to distinguish thinking from mindfullness. Mindfullness as a way of life I can get into. Thinking is my favorite past time, what else is a high powered brain to do? It looks like I’ll have time enough for both, and as long as it seems relevant I’ll keep communicating what I’m thinking. And let’s have it make a difference.

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The Surgery that Wasn’t

February 28th, 2010 by annemarie

Last friday morning I went in for a simple surgery that was intended to install a feeding tube in my stomach. My whole world was prepared for me to be out of it for a good 5-6 days, I had in home care as well as every forseable detail managed. I had set up a sub for my Saturday morning Master Class, a 6 month executive coaching workshop I lead and had prepped food for 5 days of recovery etc etc. I went in, was loaded up with anti-biotics and then sedated. When I woke up the nurse informed me the surgery had not taken place!

Apparently, I am unique~which is not news to me or my acquaintences, however now we have physical proof! I am amongst 10% of the population whose stomach is tucked firmly up and under their ribcage, situated very close to the heart and crowded by the liver, making it difficult to access for my feeding tube installation. The process we were going to have was a 2 man job: one GI specialist goes in through the throat and esophogas with a camera to the stomach ,while another doctor waits to punch in the feeding tube from the outside. ( this is my sophmoric understanding of the procedure) The problem is with all those organs in the way it was just too dangerous to go forward with the procedure. We needed more information in the form of x-ray technology. As we were unable to get that process scheduled for the same day, I was sent down for the blood work that would support the next procedure and then sent home.

I do so apprectiate it when I’m in smart capable hands. While it was a trying day for me and my parents, it went relatively well. I even ran into a friend who coincidentally was scheduled to observe my procedure! Thank God for Maura Barron! She kept my parents informed through out the process and it was evident the level of care I was recieving stepped up a notch once I was known as a friend of one of the attending physicians. I did have the experience of being treated more like family than a patient, which was comforting. So, now we wait til Monday, to see when we can reschedule. All in all, a reasonable delay. I’ll keep you posted!

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My bones lie heavy in my flesh…and how Castor Oil fixed it.

February 25th, 2010 by annemarie

Sounds like a line from novel or a poem: My bones lie heavy in my flesh, as if their weight was too much for my tissue to hold together anymore. This creates tremendous soreness in my hips and thighs as I try to sleep or rest. I noticed this more than ever this week as I dealt with food poisoning/ 24-48 hr flu. I’m betting it was food as I had no other flu like symptoms other than a headache and a slight fever and it’s over within 48 hours~ from midnight on Monday til midnight on Weds I felt ultra poopy but this morning I am better, and able to hold down tea and mild mannered food.

I am taking it easy today as I prepare for surgery tomorrow, having that feeding tube installed you know. I gave myself permission to rest as much as I wanted this week as I did not want to postone the surgery~ and what had been an annoying pain/soreness in my hips when I slept became an Omnipresent Thing I had to deal with in order to rest.

So- I figured I can’t be alone in this! There are many people who are on bedrest and/or alot less active than they’d like to be. This same sensation has to be felt by others, especially others who’ve spent a good part of life running around in their cha-cha pumps! I mean resting is supposed to be resting not a literal pain in the hips and tush! I tried stretching in yoga poses and sleeping with a pillow between my knees but that was a temporary fix. You see, I sleep on my side, because it’s easier for me to breathe that way and whatever hip I have my weight on begins to ache after a time.

Then I remembered something my massage therapist told me about and set me up for at home: a castor oil wrap. According to her this is an Edgar Cayce remedy. She gave me a 3ft by 2 foot piece of cotton clothe soaked in castor oil that I keep stored in a ziplock bag in the cupboard, and I pull it out whenever I have an ache that won’t diminish.
Recently, I have used this to soothe the ache across my upper back that is common in people with ALS, as well as a sharp pain in my right knee that was lingering and wouldn’t go away untill I wrapped it in the castor oil wrap for an hour or so. I was desperate for some quality sleep time, so I pulled out the clothe – I use it doubled over length wise so it’s 3 ft X 1 ft and I drizzled caster oil all over 1 side of it wrapping that side directly on my skin from my hip to my knee, then I laid down on that side upon 2 layers of towels to protect the sheets for an hour before repeating the process on the other side. The ache went away and has not returned for 48 hours, even though I remained fairly sedentary. As I head in for surgery tomorrow, this evening I will repeat the process, so I can get great rest after my procedure.

I highly reccomend this remedy, please try it at home! For anything that feels like an ache or a muscle pull or a tendon being twisted etc…something that you might ice but wouldn’t go into the emergency room for. I have used it with great success on what felt like a sprain, a pulled muscle, that painful ache across my shoulders and of course treating my hips and thigh muscles this week. It costs next to nothing and the oil absorbs quickly and comes off in the bath…use baking soda it you have trouble getting it off your skin. It’s definitly a life saver!

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Pre- Surgery Checklist

February 20th, 2010 by annemarie

So I’m going in for surgery on friday 2/26 to have a feeding tube installed. Frankly, when they mentioned this in December I was shocked and a bit freaked out about it, but now even if I just use it to get enough water it’ll be an improvement! Water is “slippery” so it’s difficult to swallow and I KNOW I’m not drinking enough by half! I am concerned that though I’ve been briefed on the procedure I don’t really know anything about how useful it will be~ I have alot of questions like will it work for my fiber rich protien shakes? etc.

At any rate I was told to prepare for 3 days of Hospital/bedrest living 24 hours in the hospital and at least 2 days of doing NOTHING at home, which I can’t quite imagine. So I have compiled a list of things to have along and set up for a successful surgery:

To the hospital:
Wearing loose fitting elastic waist pants and a sweater and slip-on shoes.
pack 2 pair of fluffy socks, a head band for my hair
1 Wrap~ I actually have a prayer shawl that was knitted for me by the Women of St. Giles. They say prayers of healing as they knit!
MP3 player with favorite music~ I have a selection of Blues/Jazz/ club dance mix music
2 notebooks, 4 pens ( 2 fat markers and 2 regular pens)
Chocolates
A room candle from seda france and matches
Naked Juice with protien, and the green juice
1 engrossing trashy novel/ 1 real book ( I am currently reading the latest Laurell K. Hamilton and “The AutoImmune Epidemic” by Donna Jackson Nakazawa
1 of my carved angel figurines~ it looks like a little smiling buddha angel carved from the stone!
Essential oils and my vitamin e face and body cream

Set up at home before I go:
PJ’s easy off easy on PJ’s set out on the bed for when I come home( 2 sets)
3 more books by my bed
My netbook set up at bedside
My phone charger set up by my bed
Chocolates in a bowl
A pitchure of water and a glass
Fresh Flowers on the dresser
The frig is stocked with fresh fruit, cut up for easy consumption, guacamole, mashed potatoes, soup, and more of the Naked Juices, with supplies for protien shakes and Coconut milk Ice cream! Food for 3-4 days.
I’m also making and freezing different soups and stews and yummy comfort food like objects!
I have people set to stay with me and check upon me in the days after

I worked with my coach on a visualization/ meditation for my surgery:
So every day since I’ve scheduled the surgery I have done a short visualization/prayer about my procedure and the entire experience. It goes something like this: After I get myself grounded in the earth and connected to spirit ( I visualize a cord of energy from my tail bone connecting me to the center of the earth and then a stream of white light connecting me to God through the top of my head) I say, “Dear God ~ let the Doctors and attendants at my surgery get a good night sleep and wake up on the right side of the bed that day! May they do their best work, fulfilling their purpose as healers on the planet. Have them be present and meticulous through out the procedure and throughout that day with all their patients. May the intention of the surgery be fulfilled, may it extend my life and facilitate better nutrition. I call in all my Guides, Angels and the Holy Spirit; especially the Arch angel Rapheal, known as the Angel of healing to surround me and support me though this procedure and my recovery.”

I visualize my “team” of medical professionals getting ready in the morning – having a seemless worry free ride to work, then I see them happily greeting each other and coming together as a team to perform my procedure flawlessly. I bless them. Pray for them and their families and that they have all the support they need to deal with whatever challenges their life path holds for them.

I visualize myself healing faster then anticipated, doing the right things to facilitate healing and eating really well.
I’ll let you know how it goes!

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On being 2 headed about it…Grounded in reality/ Present to Healing possibilities

February 17th, 2010 by annemarie

I have been meaning to write about this for a long time – in fact I’m quite over due with a promise to an author in London regarding the difficulty of managing one’s mind to maintain an empowering context especially while at the doctor’s office. See in theory it shouldn’t matter: I should be able to be as powerful in that enviroment as I am in my business and my life…yeah, that’d be theory. It’s hard to language the experience of being in an enviroment that holds you as a dying thing, when you yourself know how much life you’ve got left to give and live.

Recently I was indulging in one of my guilty pleasures, novels of the supernatural/romance/warrior kind, books with strong women characters who are treated as precious by their brilliant warrior men and somehow seem to overcome all the misunderstandings of life to get together in the end. My current author of the month is J.R. Ward, the author of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series, in “Lover Eternal” she writes:

“And she remembered what it felt like to cease being a person. After the doctors started treating her with chemo, she’d quickly sunk into the fragile underclass of the sick, the dying, becoming nothing more than a pitiful, scary reminder of other people’s mortality, a poster child for the terminal nature of life.”

This short paragraph completely recreated the experience of being in the Dr’s office before my diagnosis and after. Only after I was diagnosed with ALS, the looks got more pitiful as in FULL OF PITY…yech! disgusting. and the inability of the staff to deal with emotion became more glaring. As if in unison they had to turn off their humanity, and dislocate themselves inorder to get through their day. I don’t blame them personally – I blame the management for not giving them the tools to deal with PEOPLE who happen to be dying. I became a member of that underclass of the sick, and I ceased to be a person.
The staff will no doubt deny this ~ however that is my experience. It’s so shocking for me, even in the beginning, when I can remember people not answering my questions and several male doctors- 8 of them- strongly recommending anti-depressants as I would cry frequently in appointments. I tried telling them I was UPSET not DEPRESSED, and they were having none of it. It disgusted me that they would have me supress my emotion just to make me easier to deal with~ bastards. ANYONE having the symptoms I was having and getting NO ANSWERS from constant testing, would be pissed and UPSET. STOP TRYING TO DRUG US INTO SUBMISSION.

When I was finally diagnosed and found out that Emotional Lability was actually a symptom, I was so relieved to have an answer for my bouts of crying, at times uncontrollably. The truth is I almost never cried about it until I was at the Doctor’s office and had to sit there, dealing with the uncertainty of my health. The rest of my life was fairly empowering and fruitful and fulfilling, despite my symptoms. What upset me the most was the abscence of a conversation for healing I found in the care of my physicians. It was all about managing my decline: each and every conversation became about what’s next in the dance of deterioration, versus here’s what you can do to retain your energy ,optimize your health ect…here’s what we recommend…THAT type of conversation was no where to be found in the hospital/testing/ traditional medicine enviroment.

The conversation for Optimizing my energy and health came from alternative therapies and their practitioners. In this realm there was a conversation for LIFE, and for maximizing the QUALITY OF LIFE no matter what. Everything was about what can we do to serve you and give you the most energy to heal with…I embraced more raw food, added other therapies besides massage and Chiropractic care and NET. I paid more attention to what I put on and in my body. I work with a spiritual coach to keep my focus on health and healing and do many meditations and visualizations to support a healing mindset. I even feel better and lighter and more WELL as I write this incomparison to a few moments ago when I wrote about my experience at the hospital/ doctors visits.

So I strive to be balanced and purposefully 2 headed about ALS and it’s impact on my life. I need the information of what’s coming – even if I hate the delivery system and enviroment the information is delivered in. I am not out to kill off the messenger however I assert there is another way for health professionals to interact with their charges – regardless of the condition they are facing- I have a message for those in charge: TRAIN YOUR PEOPLE TO PUT THE PATIENT FIRST. If we were treated as human beings 1st, half of the complaints would go away. Deal powerfully with the whole of us, not just the symptom in us. Honor us as you would want to be honored.

On one hand I gather the traditional medical information I need to care for myself, careful not to indugle in the despair, nor tolerate the gloom! On the other hand I embrace all the intentional healing energy I can from various sources, engaging in practices that protect and elevate my attitude to one of living fully. I do what I tell my Executive coaching clients to do~I consistently clear out my space, mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally to allow the most room possible for the opportunity to heal and for business results. I use the framework of the Master Plan program I created to support and manage my empowering practices; creating a powerful vivid and ENLIVENING FUTURE for me to fulfill. In this way I can be 2 headed about my condition. Firmly grounded in reality AND Fully Empowered in my QUEST for healing.

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A Big Beautiful Shout out! Malachi Leopold Saves the Event!

February 15th, 2010 by annemarie
Malachi Leopold & LBRB Productions

Malachi Leopold & LBRB Productions

I have to GUSH for a minute…with all the last minute details and business of the Kiss My ALS Fundraiser there are NUMEROUS people to thank. But one man is responsible for saving the event from visual obscurity: Malachi Leopold of Left Brain/ Right Brain Productions. We’d never met, but as fate would have it he contacted me from an event flyer at the Mark Carter’s Networking for a Cause event on Feb 4th at Fado Irish Pub. Malachi generously offered to video the event for posterity, and it’s a good thing he did as our 2 photographers DID NOT SHOW! HE SAVED MY ALS! Seriously.

If not for him and his generosity there would be no professional photographs or visual record of the event. I don’t know what happened to my other 2 photographers, but shame on them! And shame on us for not thoroughly inspecting their commitment to document the event.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Malachi!
With out you no one would have captured the joy, celebration and spirit of the evening.
I am forever grateful.
Your new BIGGEST fan,
Anne Marie

************

Left Brain/Right Brain Productions is a values-driven production company with a triple-bottom-line mission of “People. Planet. Profit.” We strive to run a profitable company while making the world a better place at the same time.

We work with both for-profit and non-profit organizations in the Chicagoland area, providing advertising, marketing and promotional video content for television and web distribution.

The economy has taken a toll on the non-profit sector, and Malachi Leopold, President & Executive Producer of Left Brain/Right Brain Productions, has doubled its efforts to provide ways for Chicago’s non-profits to creatively and effectively tell their stories and continue raising the funds upon which their missions depend.

To lean more about Left Brain/Right Brain Productions please visit www.LBRBProductions.com

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Upper Cervical Chiropractic care and NET

February 10th, 2010 by annemarie

I have had the extraordinary priveledge of working with Dr. Dan Fedelli here in Chicago over the last 2 years and I’ve become a believer in Upper Cervical Chiropractic work and the difference it makes.

I was really sceptical. When I came to Dr Dan, my jaw hurt all the time , I had excruciating tension headaches that wrapped around my skull like a 2 inch wide Bandana from an 80’s Hair band. The Right side of my face had fallen sometime in 2006, and my smile was a hot-lopsided mess! The Facebook picture I have in which some accuse of being too sultry, was in fact an attempt to hide said lop-eared smile! I also had difficulty sleeping due to intense unrelenting pain between my shoulders. And I was grinding my teeth all night every night.

In the beginning, I would go to my appointments with him and just cry from relief. Then I would go directly home and nap for 2 hours – getting the best deepest rest I’d had in 3 years. I didn’t know if any of this would help me, but I kept going as I had no diagnosis and therefore no treatment…and my symptoms were getting worse. It felt good to at least be doing SOMETHING.
I began to sleep better…my headaches diminished with in 1 month.

With in 4 months my smile was restored.

What I liked about working with Dr. Fedelli, is that he was straight about getting me on a healing program and not interested in maintaining the frequency of my appointments. We started with 2 appointments / week, which quickly went to 1/wk, the every 2 weeks…then 1/month. After a year or so I felt pretty good and I had dropped out my appointments for a few months…slowly my neck bunched up and I was experiencing lower energy etc…I have to say when I returned 5 months later it only took 6 weeks to get back on track and return to sound sleeping once more.

I also appreciate the service of his staff, the private treatment rooms, and their sensitivity to my symptom of emotional lability.
I feel cared for and valued versus pursued as a revenue stream, which has been my experience of other chiropractors in the past.

A word about NET or Neuro Emotional Therapy, I don’t pretend to understand it, I only know it produces results. It’s a valuable tool in my committment to healing my whole self, and ridding my body of whatever dis-ease I have created in my experience.

Here is a link to his web site:
http://www.thebalancingcenter.com.

There is something about the whole specialty of Upper Cervical Chiropracty that goes beyond the norm. I highly rccomend it to anyone with lingering jaw issues due to dental surgery, stress in the upper back or shoulders and lack of function or nerve damage in the face! Get your self some balance!

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Donation Link

February 9th, 2010 by annemarie

Here is the link for Donations if you cannot make the event and would like to participate:
https://www.als.net/GetInvolved/Donate.aspx

Please put Kiss My ALS in the notes so we can track the amount generated by this event!

I know there is SNOW people, but we are in Chicago after all! SO be safe, drive slow and get here when you can…
The event is ON! Word from Mother nature is the snow will dissapate by noon tomorrow…

I look forward to seeing you all at the event and hearing from you if you can’t make it…Let’s kick some ALS!

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Telling the truth…

February 8th, 2010 by annemarie

I did not realize how much time and energy I spent on hiding the impact of ALS on me, from others in my life, until my last post. I have realized in the last few days just how often I will supress my communication so I do not worry others, or I will manage myself to look good for events/ meetings/ occassions and then come home and crash…I have let go of some of that urge to keep it on the down low this past week. It’s time to start telling the truth and letting people in on what’s actually happening.

I need more rest now. That’s just how it is, and I’m struggling to be with that’s just how it is…which is odd for me. Usually I am more than eager to grasp what’s so about any given situation, because I know if I can get down to what’s accurate I will always have power around a situation. I guess it started when the emotions were beginning to interfere with me being with my clients. You see as long as the spotlight isn’t on me, I’m good. No worries. I’m present and focused and right in the conversation. However, the moment I am asked about myself, I get teary eyed and sad and my jaw is paralyzed into a 2 yr old’s pout complete with protruding lower lip!
I feel like a Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde situation….powerfully coaching and making a difference one moment/ an inconsolable crying emotional wave rider the next. So I’ve kept the focus on others during my days as much as possible, however as my energy has flagged I see the need to be more forth coming about slowing down my pace.

I’ve created a disconnect for people I think, because the person they see isn’t what they hear when I speak … and the person they interact with isn’t the person who needs 2 naps a day and 2-3 days of rest on the weekends. Or maybe it is…and I just need to communicate what I need and tell the truth. I now see that I’ve been distancing myself by not communicating what’s accurate about my condition and what I now need and will soon need to keep moving, being productive and living powerfully with ALS. I don’t feel like I’ve been in denial, more like I’ve been acting or hiding what’s really going on. And that’s just ridiculous! I started this blog so I could have a venue for expressing what was really happening, so it’s time to tell the truth and ask for what I need!

Only – I suck at asking for what I need – this event has taught me that! My identity is still wrapped up in the “strong like Bull” vision of myself even though I’m half way into a wheel chair…and back to sleeping 12+ hours on my time off, which is 3 days a week. If I don’t completely shut down for 2-3 days a week I’m useless the other 4. UGH. I intend to emulate the woman who I helped across the street last week…primal scream therapy is for me!

Here’s a few things I need that you may be able to assist me with:
You may not know someone, but you may know someone who know’s someone….ya know?? At any rate…

I need a PR person to assist me with my business, next years fundraising campaign ( which I intend to take national ) and getting my story out.

I need sales people to market and sell my executive coaching programs in the Chicago, Denver and Los Angeles areas. I have program leaders being trained, but what makes a good program leaders may or may not make a good sales person!

I need a good internet marketing person who can produce results…I know my program is effective – amazingly so…and I realize in this market it’s 10% quality of content and 90% marketing… this person needs to be able to convey the authentic value of the Master Plan and actually give a poo about altering the way people are managed…and how they manage themselves.

I need a biography writing partner…I have enough books in the works – I need assistance on this one.

I need 400 smiling happy faces at my fundraiser Weds eve…2-10-2010…500 N Lasalle…7-11pm…

then I need a vacation!

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